lately things are looking cloudy

Friday morning I felt sick, so I didn't go to work because you're not supposed to work at a food service job if you've got a highly communicable disease...and I talked to my mom and she seems to be all for having me back home. I've been debating moving back to Wisconsin lately. She IS right about me having an opportunity to learn to drive again if I move home, and I wouldn't be putting so much stress on my brother and Jenny because they seem to feel like they have to parent me (and believe me, they aren't willing to be parents now). I just feel really intrusive here, I guess. Zach thinks maybe it's just that Jenny can sometimes get irritated with complications of having to share her personal space with another person, but it's not because she hates having me around. I get like that too, so I understand it, but it doesn't make me feel any better about it. Plus I'd be close enough to most of my family and friends, and my favorite person of all.

I can't think of much that I absolutely want to stay here for. I'm not finding the job situation to be any better, frankly. The public transportation certainly is much better, though, and I do like helping with the home improvement projects that happen every so often. Sure, I work at See's now, but that job ends on Christmas Eve, and I'm not getting that many hours as it is (but I DID just start...as Christmas gets closer I know I'll work more), plus it's been really stressful because of putting all my new knowledge to use, and it's a fast paced customer oriented job where I have to actively sell things, which is not a strong point of mine.

I think I just did things in the wrong order. If I came out here already having a job I'd be fine, but I was lazy. I was lazy the whole time I was in Appleton. I think it's finally gotten to the point where I actually WANT to get a job. Unfortunately it's taken a lot of people getting angry with me for that to happen.

But if I do move back, it's not because I've been defeated. I just need to go where I have the best opportunities, especially since I have so little money, and I found out this is not really the place. I would not be adverse to moving back here if I found a good job here further down the line.

And this past five weeks or so has been good life experience for me in terms of getting a customer service/retail job (completely new type of work to me) and learning what you can and can't make people do for you. I've grown up a bit, I think. Above all, I learned that I need to have a plan before I drop myself into a completely new place, or I will get nothing done. It especially helps if someone else is helping structure your plans (ex. school or a job) so you have something originally to keep you motivated day to day, and you just go on adding from there.

Lastly, I gave this no mention before and I should have because it's made me very happy all week. Ty was planning this surprise for me for a while and had a whole bunch of people in on it - Steve included. yes. He read 'Ominameshi', a Noh play about a woman whose husband cheats on her and she jumps into a river and drowns herself. The flower that grows on her grave becomes a symbol of promising to grow old together because she was faithful to him to the end. He read the part about the flower and decided he wanted to get it for me. He found the original text for the passage and that's what is written in the white bubble in the middle of the poster. He made the poster on the right under Molly's direction and with the art department's materials (muhahaha), and with Steve's help found the English name for the flower in the play (patrinia/golden lace), and got me two plants. I put them in pots and they seem to be looking less droopy than when I first got them. The leaves are still rotting in some places, though :( I hope they survive. The picture at the top is what the flowers look like.

Only two weeks until the JLPT...have to get cracking.